I have brought this up many a time on my blog but usually in rant/emotional posting form but this time I’m really going to sit down and type out this all out. Calmly.
Two years ago (June 30, 2011 to be exact) my father and only parent passed away, my ‘family’ took all of his money and most of his/my possessions away from me. I was essentially homeless at 17 years old. In order to help me complete my senior year of high school my boyfriends mom agreed to take me in. I won’t lie. I didn’t do well my last year of high school. I missed more days that year than ever in the history of my school career. I was depressed (I am depressed), I was mourning, I was a teenager and most of all i was lazy. My father usually kept that in check, it’s like a river once the dam is gone, i really let myself go… ANYWHO!
That guy and I broke up and my last day of school I was carted off to my maternal grandmothers home. I love my grandparents; he’s a bad ass Harley riding, car resorting, mofo who once told my sister and I the story of how he got some tattoos, regretted them and then cut them out of his flesh O.o She’s a sweet down home little lady who cooks and sews and watches old musicals, but she will jump on the back of that Harley and cuss your ass out in Polish if she needs to. They’re great. Their home…not so much. It’s a two bed, one bath little thing that housed them, their dog, their 35 year old daughter (Hi, mom!),her boyfriend, and her 14 year old daughter (Sis). Needless to say I was couched. It was really a bad place to be. you see I hate my mother with the white hot passion of a thousand dying stars. She’s a bad person. She needs to stop wasting oxygen. My grandparents don’t much like her either. Nor my sister. IN FACT the only person in the house that could stand her presence was her boyfriend whom SHE HATED. Fun times, see?
Now, I was with them for about 6 months, during that time I got my very first job and I started classes at University. I really bombed all of my classes. I simply didn’t have time. My classes started at 9am and usually ended around 3 or 4, then i had to be at work by 4 or 5 (Even though we’d agreed i wouldn’t have to be at work so soon) and I was usually late because I had to take a cab. I’d be at work until 11pm or midnight, get home at 1am eat dinner and then it’d be 2am, I’d have 5 hours worth of homework and just enough time to complete it before I had to be awake again at 7am. On top of that there would be days my designated transportation to school would tell me they simply didn’t feel like it. All in all i made some bad choices and I knew I was drowning so I dropped out of school.
In November i moved in with my current boyfriend and we did okay for a while but then I started having breakdowns all the time. My job was stressing my out so bad because they would cut my hours to the point I wasn’t making more than $50 a week, the bosses treated us all like dirt, they yelled at us til we cried, they threatened us with cut hours or job loss if we needed to take a day off. i was ‘lectured’ until I cried in front of customers once because I needed to take a day off and go to a funeral… Long story short, I couldn’t do it anymore. I would cry for hours everyday before I went to work because being there was so uncomfortable and stressful for me, I’d have to go to the restroom and cry some days. The boyfriend and I talked and we agreed i could quit my job and look for a new one.
I never found a new one. Employers heard that I planned on going to school in the Fall and the interview was over. If I got an interview. I filled out at least 3 applications a day for months and no bite. Needless to say it stressed me out even more.
Well eventually we both just agreed i could not have a job and just go to school, so i put all of my energy into that. I had my FASFA filled out on time and I was looking for scholarships to make up the extra $3,000 my Pell Grant wouldn’t cover. I couldn’t seem to find the money, my GPA was/is in the toilet and a lot of scholarships are merit based. But I kept trying, even going so far as to create a GoFundMe hoping some kind strangers would help me out. (No one did) So stress levels are going up and self esteem are going down and then tragedy strikes again. My financial aid has been revoked because I failed to maintain a minimum GPA. I cried for days.
And now here I am, school starts next Monday and I have no money to give them. I could take out a loan but, being poor, the prospect of being almost $40,000 in debt before my life begins is petrifying. I did look into it. I cried a good long time looking at the numbers. i do a lot of crying you see. Now I’m just stuck. I have a letter trying to appeal the decision to revoke my financial aid right here, and I know it will do no good. Hell, even if it does i’m still $3,000 short.
I’ve talked with my boyfriend about me not going to school at all. I’ll just start looking for a job again and we can just be normal poor people who have no unreachable dreams of a better life. But I don’t want to do that. I want to g to school. I’ve worked, I’ve begged, I don’t know what else to try.
So this is my story. If you’ve read this far thank you.